#53: What I Was and What I’ve Become
I’ve reached one of those satisfying moments in a painting — the point where the structure is built, the hard work has been done, and now the real transformation can begin.
The black and white portion of my latest portrait is finished. The foundations are there: form, contrast, clarity. It’s the kind of stage I used to live in for months when my work was primarily graphite — detailed, controlled, and obsessive in the best and worst ways.
But now I’m ready for the next part.
Colour.
Not in one bold jump, but through glazes — layers of translucent colour that slowly build depth and atmosphere. The aim is to push the portrait into something more dimensional, more expressive, more alive.
A Painting Half in the Past
Even though I’m moving into colour, I’ve decided to leave part of the portrait in black and white.
That choice feels important. It’s not a hesitation — it’s a statement.
There’s something powerful about allowing both worlds to exist at once: the discipline of monochrome alongside the freedom of colour. The certainty of tonal drawing meeting the uncertainty of painting. It gives the portrait a kind of split identity, which feels appropriate for what the piece has started to represent to me.
Glazing: Slow Colour, Not Loud Colour
What I love about glazing is that it doesn’t feel like “adding colour” so much as it feels like revealing something that was already there. Each layer changes the painting without overpowering it. It’s slow, deliberate, almost patient.
The black and white underpainting holds the structure, but the glazes soften it, complicate it, and bring it closer to emotion. That’s what I want from this next stage — not just visual impact, but feeling.
The goal is expressiveness. Not perfect realism. Not safe choices. The portrait already contains control — now I want it to contain risk.
The Title
I’ve decided to call it:
What I was and what I’ve become.
It’s a title that came to me almost instantly, and once it landed it didn’t move.
On one level, it’s a reference to the obvious: my transition from black and white graphite drawings into full colour painting. That change has shaped everything — not just the way my work looks, but the way it feels to make.
But the title also speaks to something deeper. Over the last few years, my mindset has changed too. I used to chase technical perfection as if precision could guarantee meaning. As if the tighter the work became, the more it would hold.
Now, I’m learning to loosen my grip.
I’m learning that creativity isn’t always clean, and that expression doesn’t happen when everything is controlled. Sometimes it happens when you allow something to be imperfect but honest.
Hopefully, this painting contains that.
The Balance I’m Searching For
What I’m trying to do with this portrait is create a meeting point between two versions of myself as an artist:
the one who wants to get everything right
and the one who wants to let the painting breathe
The black and white section is discipline.
The glazes are instinct.
And the space between them is where the work feels most true.
So the next few days in the studio will be about slowly building colour, letting the portrait deepen, and seeing what happens when structure meets emotion.
This is the part I’ve been waiting for.
.M.
Be real.
Make art.
If you’d like to learn more about my creative process or see my latest work, feel free to reach out or check out the rest of my website.